Thursday October 9th

 

No Trespassing.

You are reading this voluntarily. If you read this and are offended by anything here, you chose to be offended.

Since Kathryn left, she has been sending mixed and irrational signals about our relationship. She said from the very beginning of our break up that she still wanted to be friends have sex with me and to work things out. She made that statement well after I sent the text message to Christians cell phone. The text address he has was set up for so we both could e-mail messages to his phone (cd @ HaloTroopers.Com). It's just the same as my address (ourphone @ heeger.org) that forwards to 217-740-SEAN (7326).

When Kathryn was staying at the Microtel hotel after she left our home on either the 4^th or the 7^th of July, she called me from her cell to look up a number for triple A to see if they could come out and get her car door unlocked. She apparently locked her keys in the car and needed me to get the number for her so they could get her back in. I gave her the number and she called me back this time from the Microtel hotel number (as it was displayed on my caller ID) and that’s how I found out where she was staying with Joseph.

The following day when she came by with Joseph, I told her that I knew that she was staying at the Microtel. She asked me how I knew and I told her. That following nigh, I got a call from Kathryn stating that she was lonely and that she wanted me to come see her for a BC. I told her that I would come by, but it would be a little bit before I got there. She stated that I would have to come in the side door and that she would wait outside for me.

When I arrived, we went into her hotel room that KHQA does a trade for and I saw Joseph sleeping in the adjacent bed. Sleeping like a rock. I really just wanted to lay down by him and go to sleep but I knew that Kathryn would get mad at me if I changed her plans.

We ended up having sex for about 2 hours and talked for a while afterwards. We both went to sleep for a few hours afterwards and as always, I woke up first. When she woke up, she said “I figured you would just leave after you woke up”. I was like “nope, I want to stay with you and Joseph”. She responded with “I’ve never taken you as the one night stand type”. I mean, knowing this person after eight years, you’d think that she’d know at least that by now and wouldn’t have to state the obvious. I’ve always stayed close to Kathryn even after we had sex, made love or had a quickie or whatever. Granted, I did get up in the past and hop on the PC at night only because I couldn’t sleep. I would just toss and turn otherwise. But I always came back to bed. I felt safe next to her and Joseph. Yes, Joseph has always slept with Kathryn and I. He has a bed, but he would always say ”I Go Daddy” when it was time to go "nite-nite" and we’d all fall asleep together. In the morning when Kathryn would wake up, Kathryn would invite me to take a shower with her.

My sleep issues would make me not want to get up a lot of the times, so I missed out on our shower time quite a bit. Which now, I totally regret.

The morning after I went to Microtel, Kathryn went out looking for apartments. I wanted to tell her to come home, but she was sending signals that she really wasn’t interested in doing that. From what she told me before, she did want to try to work things out between us. Even after I told Christian about their dad and Murphy.

After I went home, I helped Kathryn look for several addresses on the web for houses and apartments that were for rent. She saw a few and they all sucked. But she finally found one for $500 a month that wasn’t too fare from our home.

A day or two later she came by with pictures of the apartment that she secured. I was invited over to check it out. It was very nice and clean. I jokingly sad that it was a dump compared to our home.

As the days moved on, I helped her move a small entertainment center with my old TV that was in the spare bedroom that the boys would sleep in and some electronics over to her new place. I helped her hook it up when we got there so that they had at least some form of entertainment. I gave her the dual VCR / DVD combo to keep so that she and Joseph had something to watch movies on. The other Memorex unit wouldn’t do the job so I gave it to her since she did buy it. She was sleeping on an air mattress that her mom gave her that I helped her set up with the small red vacuum that I brought over. She had a pillow and blanket that she made to cover up with. It was the blue and black striped one that I would play cover up with bun (Joseph) with before she left

Then on Joseph’s birthday on July19th, we got him a cake, a SBSQ Connect Four and a hot wheels loop track. Our little three person birthday party went really well and was fun for him. It felt kind of like last year when he turned 4, except we weren’t at the house this time. It made me a little somber but what mattered to me is that he turned the big 5 and ad a great time. The cake that we got was very similar to the one I got him last year except it was chocolate. He had fun on his birthday just like all of the others that we have spent together. Celebrating his birthday has always been very important to me. I would give anything to see him being born again in real life. That day was magic and Kathryn was a real hero. She knew I always needed a son and he was the son I never knew I wanted. Momma did know best.

On July 27^th, Kathryn and all three boys went down to see her mom in Tennessee. I spent a lot of time on the phone with Kathryn and Joseph during that time. I was really missing them especially then since we were officially split up. I always seem to come back to those lonely emotions when I’m separated from the two of them. The trip was long and we talked a lot on the way down there. But when she got there things started to change. She seemed more irritable. Shortly before she came back, I sent her a letter (which I wish to God I never sent). It basically berated her and told her what a bad person I thought she was for leaving me. It mentioned how I thought she tree branched from other people to me. It was sick and I could just shoot myself for it. I really think we’d be back together in some way if I just would have ignored my impulses and not sent the letter to her. I printed it out, deleted the e-mail and burned it. She probably still has it.

We fought over the phone quite a bit when she was down there about stupid family issues and the position was in. The kind of stuff we would fight about really didn’t make sense to me now. It was mostly because I didn’t want to be so far away from her and Joseph. I’ve always hated it when she’d go to Tennessee or anywhere that was of distance. The first time she went to Tennessee when we were together was back in 2003. She left for a month and I almost went out of my mind from loneliness. I sat at my desk for days wondering if 30 days would ever pass. We’ve fought when she was down there back then. I really upset her by not answering the phone when she called that time. That was the first time I heard her cry. I felt pretty low. She faxed me an I’m sorry note which I didn’t deserve. I think it was because I couldn’t get a hold of her when they went to the 4^th of July celebration. I got upset because I didn't hear back from her and said something. I don’t remember what I said but it made her cry. Being upset with someone when there’s long distance between you is a real kicker.

Anyway she went and saw my daughter in Knoxville so that Tara and Joseph could visit together. They had a great time with Tara and Cody. They got some really good pictures with my daughter (as pregnant as she could be). This is one of the many things I fell in love with about Kathryn. She’s a very giving person and would do anything for you. That’s what kills me about the way I’ve treated her in the past. the lasting guilt I have and her resentments towards me. Fear driven tension and doubt were the culprits. I’ve felt distrust for her because of the Mercantile/Tony thing and the hospital. I could never really place my finger on as to why. The hospital, the court dates shortly after. It was a mess. It still gets me going when I think about it. I just wish Kathryn would have said the words “Sean, I would never betray you or conspire against you. I love you and I want you to always be alright”. But I never did hear anything like that from her. I really needed to hear that. I would have believed her if she just said it.

When Kathryn and her boys finally came back from their vacation in Tennessee, I asked her if she would come by. She showed up with an angry look on her face and gave me a hug. We all went inside. I took Joseph upstairs and laid him in our bed while she took a quick shower. When she came upstairs, she laid down in her lace panties and the top she had on in our bed and we started fooling around. We ended up having sex. The next morning she said “I can’t believe I stayed here” and then she went home shortly after. Joseph and I hung out for a while at our house and played games. I think after while we ended up going to "mommy’s house" and hung out with her. But that’s all I remember of that day.

In the just recent past, Kathryn and I would hang out and do things. I would go over to her place quite a bit, watch TV have dinner and play with Joseph for the next 2 months or so. We’d still have sex, take showers together and talk. She’d tell me things when we had sex like “Your a good fuck” saying it like she just had sex with me once or twice. A lot of the times, Joseph would jump in the shower with us when we weren’t fooling around. She stated that she didn’t care if I wanted to find someone else or have sex with another person just as long as I wasn’t doing it with her at the same time. Which kills me to remember because I’m still in love with her and always have been. I told her on several occasions that I didn’t want anyone else and that she was family to me.

Before she left, I was working with BBBS in helping to market the organization. On june 15^th, Kathryn and I both met with the marketing director and the executive director in Jacksonville to work on the particulars about us designing and hosting the new website for Big Brothers Big Sisters. This was going to open new doors for both of us in finally getting some business for our UnusualResults web site project. I would finally be able to pull my own financial weight as a result of the potential business that we’d be pulling in from working for a non-profit organization. Kathryn was exceptional at our meeting with Shelley and Lindsey. We even took Joseph with us. He was extremely well behaved. He felt very comfortable being at the meeting with us. He sat, listened and ate a cookie in the meeting room while talked and discussed the project. Everyone was in love with our boy. They could tell that we were good parents to Joseph just by the way he behaved and how affectionate he is. He always tells us that he loves us.

After we agreed to do the project and had all of the particulars lined out for my part of tit, some time later Kathryn would seem to get jealous about Lindsey Hess (who was a former Miss Quincy scholarship winner and also physically attractive to most guys) every time her name came up. Lindsey was working with me at the time on the new site that I was designing. Again, I was helping her and her organization as was Kathryn. So I had to make references to her. Kathryn was just as involved as I was in the project. She was a Holiday auction board member for BBBS among other things. There were other aspects of BBBS that she and I worked on as well.

After Kathryn decided to leave after the fight that pretty much pushed my last button, my whole world came down and I couldn’t finish the project or concentrate on anything. Including the Miss Quincy pageant website project that I took on back in late July. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything and I’ve constantly worried about the financial and emotional stability my life as well as Joseph since she left. I’ve been feeling constant anxiety and chest pains. I can’t function like I use to. I can’t stop thinking about the fact that she fixed it to where Joseph can’t grow up in the same house with his dad. Our home is the Heeger home. It’s where I spent most of my life as well and I wanted that for Him. Joseph and I have spent the majority of his life together in our home while mom worked at KHQA.

I can’t just stop feeling anything for Kathryn. I can’t just have sex with someone I’m in love with. She said that she still loves me but how can it ever be just sex of you love that person. If I was as bad as she said I was, how could she lay down with me? It’s one of those things that have had me mixed up from the very beginning of all of this.

During that time I would help get her things into her apartment like her couch, the clothes she still had at our house, a TV from the thrift store, and several other items that she needed help carrying. It was really hard doing those things emotionally. But all the while I could only think about her and Joseph. I wasn’t happy about her leaving, but what could I do? I ran my mouth when I should have just walked outside until she cooled down.

I can’t make someone be with me. That’s just not my way. But I felt like I had to take what little I could get in order to have some part of her and Joseph together in my life. I have to think about the past. I can’t help but remember that there were way more good times than bad.

I never intended to live with her after she moved out. Which is what she indicated to me that she thought that I was trying to do I was never told not to come over. She new I was lonely. She said things like “I miss cock” like that’s all there was in the world when it came to she an I. I tried to accommodate her with her desire and I think I spoiled her by telling her it was ok when it really wasn't.

I did spend a lot of time over there and I probably stayed too long sometimes. I would be too tired to go home after sex and I’d end up sleeping over if we watched a movie too late. I just got mixed signals laced with false hope. I just couldn’t stand all of the yelling while Joseph covered his ears when I got in trouble with her. I didn’t think I was hurting anyone. I just didn’t want to be alone.

She said I could live there for around 3 month if I got my house rented. But that was a lost cause. Nobody has any money, there are 500+ houses for sale and many houses for rent. So my idea is trashed for finding a suitable renter. I've got no job, I don’t have any family or friends outside of Bun. It’s just crap. I ended up giving her the daybed and her dining room table and chairs in the end.

And there were times that I would start thinking about bad things afterwards and I would lash out again. I’d tell her that I was going to trash her things and not give them back and do this and that just because I felt that she didn’t care about the position that she left me in. She was the sole breadwinner since 2007 and understood my situation. But after she left, I wasn't allowed to live with my son in the same house that he was practically born in and raised for the last 5 years. I would feel betrayed and manipulated into saying or doing something out of fear of things getting worse for my personal issues. The house, property taxes, Joseph’s education, no employment, and family legal issues. This Order of Protection being the biggest obstacle now. The possibility that I’ll finally never feel her warmth and that we’ll never be under the same roof gain has haunted me since she left.

The last fight we really had by ourselves involved me being there and her feeling like she had to be mean to me in order for me to leave. I’ve left when she told me to go in the past. I just didn’t hop to it right away. I just wanted to know what I did for her to tell me to go then I would go.

Last time, I was over there watching Dexter when she was at work. She told me not to leave with the DVD’s and I could watch it at her place. Dexter is like 3 DVD’s with 3 shows on each of the disk. So I sat there pretty much until she came home with Joseph a little after 5 . She was angry that I was still there. That’s when she called me into the kitchen and told me that she didn’t want me living there. She yelled at me about it in front of Joseph so I waked out to the other room. Told her that she said I could watch the show since she didn’t want me to take the DVD’s.

On October 1^st or the 3^rd I got a call from Kathryn in the morning stating that she got her left rear window broke out. I asked her what happened. She said that someone broke out her window. She said that she filed a police report and called her insurance company. The insurance company told her that there was a $1,000 deductible and it would be better just to have it fixed out of pocket. She doesn’t have any enemies at least anyone that I’m aware of. And that morning she didn’t accuse me of breaking it like she did a few days later I went over there to look at the window and sure enough it was broke. When she called before, I asked her if she needed a place to park it she could park in my carport. She moved it under the tree a little further to see if it would reduce the amount of water that was falling in the car since it was raining. After she talked to her insurance guy Rob and leaned the news. I tired to get close to her by kissing her that morning but I was rejected. The three of us left.

On October 6^th 2009, I had to get my car repaired at rjs imports. The repairs were completed Around 4 pm, I went to go pick up Joseph from caywood. When I got there, Kathryn had already signed him out around 3:30. I drove by her house to see if she was there. Then I wanted to go back by rjs to use their phone. On the way down to RJS, I saw Kathryn’s car parked out in front of Rosemary Werneths apartment. I went up and knocked on the door. Rosemary came to the door and I asked her if Kathryn and Joseph were there. She said no. I said that their car is here. She looked like she didin’t see the car then she locked the screen door. She said that they were there. I asked if I could speak to Kathryn and she said no. She then stated that I better go. So I left and went home. I called the cell number after I came in the house. Kathryn finally answered and I asked what was going on. She stated that I had been harassing her. I said in what way? She said I was e-mailing her boss and trying to get her fired. I denied trying to get her fired and wanted to see Joseph so we could have our time with each other. That’s what pretty much started this whole thing. Keeping me from my son is not a good thing for me. I would never keep him from her no matter what. I’m not really sure Why Rosemary is back in the picture considering all of the things Kathryn has said about her to her mom.

My experience with Rosemary Werneth is based on our prior experience in her in home fellowship. Rosemary worships the ministry she follows (The Way International) and creates fear in young people in her fellowship by claiming things like Barak Obama is the antichrist and that the world will come to an end  or there would be a recession if he’s elected.

On October 7th at around 7 am, I called Kathryn about getting Joseph. Joseph answered the phone and said “Not Yet!” then hung up on me. That wasn't like him to do that. Joseph has never rejected me like that over the phone. I felt like he was coached to do that by Kathryn and I asked about it. She denied telling him to do that after I called back and asked her what was going on. She said that I’m not supposed to be calling her. I asked why and she stated that she got a order of protection against me and I’m not suppose to contact her because I was e-mailing her boss and changing website content on a domain I operated for her. I figured she no longer wanted the site since we weren’t together and I needed the money so I was trying to sell it.

I sent a link to her boss Carol at KHQA. It seemed harmless. All it contained was a link to khqasales.com with the content Transfer this domain. $2,200.00. The site had a picture of Kathryn and Joseph sitting on the bed up here in our bedroom. I planned to swap out photos from time to time. But after Kathryn told me that, I took the site down for about a day. I put up a new parker page with a picture of Joseph and I at the hospital when he was born. It has a link to his site and the text at the top with. “I miss you Bun”.

The two deputy sheriffs showed up at my back door at 12:25 pm on the 7th and handed me some papers and talked to me a little about what it was about (the order of protection). They showed me the summons that requested my presence on October 26^th. They also stated that Kathryn wanted the DVR that she left here after she moved out. I said fine, I’ll have it ready when they come.

I did send an e-mail to Kathryn earlier that I didn’t want her to do this. She replied that we can only talk about making arrangements for my time with Joseph. So we made arrangements for Saturday morning at 9:00am until Sunday night at 6:00 pm.